I once belonged to a close-knit family. I mean we were really close. Thisclose.
We grew up together in an environment where my cousins were just as close as my siblings and where my grandparents, aunties and uncles were part of my rearing. Summers not spent at camp were spent with my wild, crazy extended family. My childhood was filled with stocked cookie jars, sleepovers where we piled into crowded twin beds, raucous games of Spades and hours of incredibly intense battles over Monopoly boards. Everybody who came through Grandma’s house was considered family, even if they weren’t technically related to us.
Years later, the unthinkable happened—we had an unexpected death in the family. And while the death was shocking and sad, as a close-knit family, we were able to power through the loss. What we didn’t anticipate was the surprising infighting that occurred over settling our loved one’s estate. Yes, I know people can behave out of character and even badly when it comes to divvying up large sums of money. But not this family, thisclose family.
Perhaps we should have known this falling out was possible when my cousin shared a story of getting into an argument months earlier with an attorney friend who told him all families are susceptible to friction when it comes to money and estates. My cousin told me how he shut down this friend, “Not our family,” he said.
Fast forward several months and our close-knit family has become fractured.
Our loved one was a widow who did not have children of her own. In her final plans, she tried to look out for several family members. Despite her meticulous end-of-life planning, details were still unsettled or incompletely spelled out, causing turmoil. In the ensuing months, my family experienced behaviors I have never before seen:
A lack of communication.
Accusations of misappropriation.
Perceived promises that were broken.
Threats of never speaking to the family again.
Here are some details that would have helped smooth things over and avoid conflict.
Make a full list of all your financial accounts and passwords.
In our case, our loved one provided an incomplete list of accounts, which left the family scrambling to find all her assets.
Spell out beneficiaries on all your financial accounts: banking, investments, life insurance.
Our loved one had completed about 90 percent of this work. However, she left some major items, including paid-off vehicles and smaller bank accounts, up for grabs. This battle over cars became a big problem for members of our family. When set up properly, the beneficiary only needs the death certificate and ID to claim an asset.
Funeral Planning Declaration
A few days before her death, our loved one had shared with me that although she didn’t want a funeral—she had opted for cremation—she had set aside money for a repast, a huge celebration for the family. Although this wish was expressed to me, she had discussed other arrangements with other family members, leading to a disagreement about how to handle her remains. In addition, we couldn’t find the funds she had set aside for the celebration.
Nearly a year later, these conflicts are still playing out. At the very least, having these items settled would have gone a long way toward avoiding this fracture. I know for a fact our loved one did not want this for our family.
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