Like many aging parents, mine never need help. With anything. Ever. As I wrote in an earlier post, this apple hasn’t fallen far from that tree. I, too, have a tough time asking for help.
In recent weeks, my parents have required help—I know this for a fact—and yet neither of them has reached out. So, hearing it through the family grapevine, I reached out to offer assistance, with mixed response.
I learned my mother had an issue with one of her bank accounts. When I offered to lend her money until the bank had resolved it, she was reluctant but then accepted after an hour-long discussion. Then, without missing a beat, she laid out a plan to repay the money. My parents, in their 70s, are never required to repay money to me. I would never take it. But the fact that she tried was adorable.
In the same period, my father suffered a stroke. I offered several times to fly in and help. My husband even said that perhaps I should just show up. Dad has wonderful care and support and he is on the mend, so that helps alleviate my worries. Still, I should be there. I keep asking when’s the best time to come? How can I pitch in? What do you need from me? I’m still waiting for a response.
So, how do you help elderly folks who are proud or private or stubborn or fiercely independent?
Just Show Up
In my family, it is easy to drop past my mom’s house because she lives five minutes way, but I need to take a flight to visit my dad. Showing up is my way of letting them know I care.
Walk Around & Take Stock
When you visit, walk through the house to see if they have everything they need. Peak in the fridge or cabinets looking for food, supplies and updated prescriptions. A house that’s in complete disarray could mean they need helping managing their home.
Ask Questions, Lots of Them
Asking my mom how things are going will always elicit a knee-jerk “fine” response. But when I ask, “What did you have for lunch today?” that’s when I get a more telling response. “Oh, I haven’t gotten around to eating anything today.” Maybe she can’t get to the grocery store, doesn’t have money for food or doesn’t have an appetite, all reasons to ask further questions.
Check Their Finances
This may be tough, especially if your parents aren’t willing to talk about their finances. If you can access their accounts, make sure there are no suspicious expenses. Even sifting through mail that’s been left out on a table during one of your visits can be telling. Search for unfamiliar bills or solicitors.
Watch for Scammers
Be aware of scams targeting the elderly. Recently, I had an aunt call me and ask about an email she received from the IRS. When she read it to me, I knew right away it was a scam that criminals had been using to target the elderly. I told her not to respond. My grandmother, in her 90s, recently shared that she received a call from her “great-grandson” who was in jail and needed $1,500 to get out. Again, another scam.
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