It doesn’t always happen with a thud, although that could be the case, too.
The switch where adult children become parental figures to their aging parents often comes in drips or drabs.
One morning this week, my husband and his siblings sat down with their recently widowed, aging mother to walk her through power of attorney and medical directive agreements. She had not been asking for help. She had just stopped doing. When they would reach out or visit, she wasn’t always helpful. It had been nearly two years since their father died unexpectedly. They needed to know what was going on with her health, her personal finances and his estate.
Later that same day, I got on a Zoom call with my siblings to have the same troubling conversation about our own aging mother. The timing was coincidental.
It’s happening. The switch is happening.
I have written in this blog how I had spent the past three years flying back and forth to Minnesota to visit my aging, ailing dad. I am blessed to have a still spry stepmom on that end who is fully capable of helping. And as far as sibling support goes, I have taken the lead on this front.
Now, in a matter of weeks, we have added my mother and mother-in-law to the rotation. So that’s three parents left (one is deceased), and seven adult children in the mix.
So far, my husband and I have not crossed into each other’s lane. He and his two sisters are supporting his mom. Me, my brother and my two sisters are supporting my mom. I am helping to support my dad. We imagine that there will come a time when this support is intermingled, but for now, this is what works best. All these parents are private and are most comfortable dealing with their own children, without a lot of fuss from extended family.
We can also be thankful we have a lot of things going for us. The parents involved are receptive and on board with receiving our help. That is not always the case and it can be a huge obstacle to overcome when parents are resistant to outside support. We also realize how fortunate we are financially, having the resources to care for our loved ones with dignity and in a manner they would approve. Costs are a big concern for many families. I appreciate how lucky we are for now.
Each family has set up the next round of discussions and started making plans for pitching in. There are so many conversations to be had, so many details to manage.
What tips or advice would you give to others who are in a similar situation taking care of elderly parents and children. Share your stories on our forum.
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