My Double Life

By SaveYourSelf.biz

A friend’s elderly mother-in-law was found wading in a lake, in the middle of the night, looking for her husband—who had been dead for months.

A doctor told another friend that there was “no way” her grandmother could return alone to the home she had lived in for more than five decades.

An East Coast friend tells me she spends one month every year at her childhood home in California, working remotely to help look after her father, who is in declining health.

My husband serves as part of the three-sibling rotation that checks in on their mom who has been a widow for nearly two years.

I make regular trips to Minnesota to look after my ailing dad.

Many adults with elderly parents and young children find themselves caught between two generations and two sets of financial pressure. They are the sandwich generation.

It can be a financially challenging time for the parents who are “sandwiched” between two competing sets of needs. These adults are still raising children when they find themselves taking care of aging parents, splitting emotions, time and resources.

I have been living this double life for the past few years. Here are some of the ways I have navigated this process.

Find Your Tribe

The examples mentioned above came from personal relationships I have with people who are doing the daily juggle. It can be exhausting, so it’s important to have a non-judgmental outlet to vent or even scream. Find people to lift you up or to just listen.

Don’t Be a Hero

You can’t do it all by yourself. You can’t. You can’t. You can’t. Don’t even try it.

Get help. Your kids’ needs and your parents’ needs are different needs. You will need someone to step in to give you a break. If there are no siblings or other family members who can help, seek assistance outside the family. The moms at my son’s school have been a tremendous layer of support for me. Find those people and, most importantly, accept their help.

Yours, Mine & Ours

Are you keeping one eye on your parents’ pensions (remember those?) and one eye on your child’s college fund? Well, who’s looking out for your retirement accounts? My husband and I work full-time and I run a side business, all while balancing the needs of our parents and our son. Keeping track of this mix of finances is critical. Come to an agreement early about who will pay for what expenses and maintain impeccable records for tax season.

Set It and Forget It

Like clockwork, groceries arrive weekly, medicine is reordered monthly and the lawn company shows up for a mow or snow removal. If there’s an app that will help me juggle a task, I have it locked and loaded on my phone.

Part Doctor, Part Lawyer

My dad takes a spill because he is dizzy, my son takes a spill because he is clumsy. They both require a trip to the ER. It’s important to keep all those medical records and doctor’s visits straight. Over the years, I have had to learn the ins and outs of geriatric and pediatric care. I have also learned the ins and outs of putting a medical power of attorney in place. This legal document names a person to make medical decisions on their behalf if they ever become incapacitated. Having these types documents in place well before you need them removes an extra layer of stress.

Put Yourself First

Let’s settle this now. With all that you are taking on, you are selfless, not selfish. So, it’s ok—no, it’s required—that you practice some self-care. When I say self-care, I really mean you need to find a way to recharge. It has to be consistent. My pre-pandemic spa days were a regular treat. You cannot do this work on an empty tank.

Home Sweet (New) Home

When my cousin brought her mother to live with her family, they had to find a new home to fit their new lifestyle. They needed a home with a mother-in-law suite on the lower level. They also needed enough space for my cousin, her husband, and their three children. It took months, but they closed on a large enough home to accommodate their needs. In our home, we have even floated the idea in recent months of renovating to add more space.

What tips or advice would you give to others who are in a similar situation taking care of elderly parents and children. Share your stories on our forum.

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